supplicium post mortem

I live in a hip banlieu of Gotham. The hippest, in fact. Despite my kutting edj sexyouul predilections, I am nowhere near hip enough to live here. I moved here 15 years ago, when most of the hipsters were in grade school.

A few reasons I am not hip:

1. I have no tattoos. I do not like tattoos. I have no plans ever to get a tattoo.
2. I can’t wear giant wedge heels.
3. I refuse to pay $4.50 for some “eco” recycled paper towels when I can get Bounty at Costco.
4. I drink infrequently, do not party, rarely am out after 10 pm, never smoke, and dislike expensive coffee concoctions.
5. I do not fancy dudes.

Oh, the dudes.

They are the prototypical American man under 50. They were raised by women in divorced households. They think acceptable, fuzzy political thoughts. They are sensitive to women. How could I fail to fancy them?

Lissen: I do not like boys whose pants are falling down, who don’t wear belts properly, who don flip-flops off the beach or sports costume outside the gym or field. I do not like boys who have never made the acquaintance of a razor. I do not like boys who are six feet tall but think they’re still 12 (no roleplay in sight!), so dress like they did when they were twelve – in (now expensive) torn jeans, sneakers, and hoodies – and are far too cool to do such a grown up thing as shave (though I guess if they’re 12 they’re just, like, in denial of the stuff sprouting out of their face). I do not like dudes because they wouldn’t wear a good shirt and tie unless forced, and even then it wouldn’t fit properly. Dudes are not religious, heaven forfend, but they’re, like, spiritual. They’re into Buddha, cuz he’s all about non-attachment, and non-attachment is oh-so-sexy (not!). Dudes have horrible posture. Many of them are vegetarians or outright vegans, which just can’t be right in young, red-blooded males. Dudes call each other Man. They would never say Sir or Ma’am without irony. They’re not exactly sure what they want out of life…or anything…but they’re sure it won’t be, like, conventional, like they could never have a job where they had to wear a suit. They’re cool with everything and everyone (as long as it isn’t Republican), and omigosh you should see their playlists, man, some really awesome and eclectice shit in there.

There are so many reasons Dudes do not appeal to me, but this rant cannot continue all night. Dudes, go in peace. I do not seek you. I seek men. Real men. Dirty English schoolboys and their alteregos, gentlemen.

Kthxbai.