supplicium post mortem

I knew it was a bad idea and that I shouldn’t do it. But I did it anyway. I opened up the drawer in my study labeled “others”. Inside this drawer are a few things – things that were once in use. A few (not all) of Casey’s exercise books; her pencil box; the docket book; in the back you can see a packet of cigarettes. (Click on these thumbnails, btw, for the full images.)

The pencil box was used mostly for formal school occasions, and it looks like it hasn’t been properly used since we went to Mr. Penn’s the second time. You can see the fake cockroach (realistic when you come across it!) and the caps & snapper for the exploding book trick, among other items. The Wall Drug badge was from our cross-country road/camping trip the summer he moved here. We tied the wolfhound up to the hitching posts outside, ha ha. If you’ve never been to Wall Drug, you’re missing something.

Here’s a sample page from the carbon docket book. Actually, the dockets were mainly written by people from St. Mary’s or St. Boniface’s (where Casey and Mark went when first at Home School). RP or TL would deal with them. This one was written by Casey’s form teacher, Mrs. Denner, who was no-nonsense but had a sense of humor. There are at least two other nail varnish offenses in the book. Dockets fell out of use after a while, but in the early years of being together, they were a handy way to ask for a scene. It also helped me transfer and deal with some of the frustrations of my RW day as a teacher, most especially how very boring and hard it was to have to be a grown-up all day long.

Elsewhere there are folders with notes and stuff to/from Marky, Casey, TL, RP etc. None were ever thrown away. I am nowhere near ready even to think about finding them. Unfortunately for me, there was a card in this drawer from Mr. Prior to Casey. Unfortunately for me, I opened it. There was his own handwriting (so how can he really not be anywhere??). It appears to be in response to a letter from Casey herself, I’m guessing one of the times she decided she seriously wanted to leave Home School, that Mr. Prior was super nice but had loads more important kids to look after, and in this case that she really didn’t deserve the tickets to The Sound of Music RP had given her for her birthday so he should really take Ruth instead. [one of the Others, kid at Home School] This kind of sentiment appeared periodically and can best be understood as extreme attachment made anxious either by his need to travel or by Casey’s jealousy towards RPK. (Ironic because they later became very close, a story for another post.) Here it the card:

And here is what it says:

October 11, 1998

My Dear Casey:

I’ve been saving up this card to send to someone in a farawy place, and this seemed the perfect opportunity to use it.

Thank you for your note. The night is always darkest as the dawn begins to break. You may of course leave Home School but you’re right – it will take a long while to arrange. In the meantime you should, I think, carry on trying to do your book, and you should certainly not surrender your ‘Sound of Music’ tickets. They’re yours, you deserve them, you jolly well take Ruth!

Often in our lives, things seem hopeless and despairing. Ask for help – from other people, from within yourself, from God. But don’t stop the search. You will find the courage, and the answer. I know that, and believe it as strongly as I love you.

Your wishes will be honored, and I won’t try to talk you out of this. But I don’t agree with it and I certainly don’t regard it as a done deal. I would like to talk to you. You know where I am, and you know, in your heart, how deeply and powerfully I feel for you. You have the light and the voice of God within you. Look, and listen. Create space and time for yourself, and only do when you are sure that what you have seen and heard is Right.

I love you, my little one. I know you’ll be true to yourself.

RP

I wish, I wish it were that simple now.